So, where have I been for the past month? Tumblr, mostly tumblr yep yep, but ugh, I know I need to at least update this place. Can't leave you guys hangin'
So just to pile up the damages.
My childhood dog died back in January, which really took a toll on me. I really lost myself for a while, even selfishly contemplating well…suicide. I only say this here because I know a lot of people do care about me. I feel like you should at least know.
Those feelings went away when Kiwi and I found the perfect apartment dog that we named Zephyr. She was just fantastic, a lovely Kai Ken mix breed we adopted at the shelter.
We were happy for a few weeks, stressed on how we were going to pay for her, but still happy to have some new life in the apartment. She gave me new hope, and I passed off my selfish thoughts as a moment of weakness.
Then my parent's called.
First off, haven't spoken to my father in over a month, not since I put Kiwi's January rent money in the bank. I got a text back that day after I told him I put the money in the account telling me "ok" and I thought that was the last of it. The rent money actually goes directly to my mother after I put it in my account. My dad is supposed to transfer the money since he's the only one who can access said account.
So, when my mother called, yelling about me spending the money for living expenses (gas, food, Zephyr etc.) she tore me a new one.
Now let me explain something, once I've done my end of a deal, I'm done. I can't control what happens after a certain point. I'd called and texted my dad about transferring the money over BEFORE I even began touching it. But now, apparently, I own my mother $400 for my dad's mistake and her lack of responsibility.
Now getting the money is no issue. I have plenty of collectables to sell in pinches like this. But what was said to me on the phone, how I felt afterwards, and what HAPPENED after. I just don't want to deal with anything anymore.
I already had around $400 saved up anyway because we needed to pay for Zephyr's deposit fee to live in the apartment. Since it was money on Paypal, I was simply going to send my parents a Paypal payment for $400 and used Kiwi's February rent money to pay Zeph's deposit.
My parents didn't want to listen. They never do.
So I get yelled at all last Thursday-Friday on the phone (realizing I'm way to old for this shit because I'm 20 fucking years old) about how they don't want to take my money, how they doesn't want another dog…ahem and I quote:
"We don't have a dog. Our dog's dead"
"You better not bring that dog in my fucking house"
Zephyr was not "that dog." She was me and Kiwi's dog. One we were taking great care of until that point.
Of course, after that, I started to feel depressed. I spent the majority of Friday in bed, crying and well…I was broken.
School stress was bad enough, but this?
My dog was dead
I was in debt $400
I had to pay another $400 to keep the dog that we'd taken care of for a month
And now facing the grim decision...
…that we had to take Zephyr back to the shelter.
And so we did.
Regardless of what happened after, I just, I feel like shit.
The way Zephyr looked at me when we took her back
She thought it was her fault
and that image has been plaguing my mind ever since
My art muse is gone
My tablet is broken
And I have no real way of expressing myself except through writing
I really do want to give up
Not life, but just
I want to go away for a while
Plan a hiking trip or something
I don't fucking know
I'm not going to be on here for a while
My other accounts I can remain active on because they don't require me to make a big commitment
And I'm sorry I didn't post anything sooner
But yeah, don't expect me around much
This isn't an 'I'm leaving' post or anything
I'll be back when I can be
I just need some time to myself
And throw myself into my other hobbies
February's always been a rough month for me
At least its almost over…